Friday, 11 December 2015

How to Identify a Nollywood Movie

1. A couple is making love in their room with no one watching and yet they cover themselves with thick blanket and start to struggle and sweat like they were forced to do it in a public place.

2. It is only in Nigerian movies when a prayer warrior/pastor says ”HOLY GHOST FIRE! to an evil person and you will see fire balls, fire whips, fire missiles appearing. Wonderful! I wonder why this never happen in churches of today…lol.

3. When a ghost appears to person and say to him “SO YOU KILLED ME”.

4. When every slap sounds like a gunshots.

5. Someone will be shown 25 years after and he will be wearing the same clothes he wore earlier. 

6. A car is about to have an accident when a steering wheel suddenly starts turning and the driver will eventually hit a tree and the driver will be seen with his head on the steering wheel with no damage to windscreen, nor any scratch on the car whatsoever.

7. The actors waste unnecessary time to perform an act that shouldn’t take more than a fraction of a second example: An actor will spend fifteen good minutes of his time threatening to kill someone, spend another
five minutes looking for his gun (while the mumu victim will stand there watching) and then spend another ten minutes shouting “I WILL KILL YOU TODAY” after which he shots his gun (the sound is often times not in sequence with the trigger pull) and then the victim screams ” I AM DEAD, YOU HAVE KILLED ME, I AM DYING” and then he dies. 
8. Adverts floods the first half hour. Thank God for fast forwarding

9. A car will hit someone at top speed and that person will still be lying on the bonnet of the car

10. You have to reduce the volume for the soundtrack and increase it to hear what the actor are saying, so you have to hold onto your remote control. 

11. Almost all endings will happen in church, when at the end of the movie, a pastor and his team prays and the wicked/evil person manifests, confesses and then drops dead. So death always waits for a person to confess before killing the person? I never know o. . 

12.To God be the glory. This always happens when the director/ producers have run out of ideas to end the movie. 

13. A ghost wearing a Timberland and a wrist watch.

14. When the film advertisement ends with GO GRAB UR COPY NOW!!!!!! as if its going out of existence and your entire being is dependent on it.

15. When it is marketed and distributed at 51/52 Iweka road Onitsha, 12 Idumota lane or Pound road Aba.

16. An actor leaves his house in a red shirt and is seen in the car with a blue shirt and arrives his destination in a red shirt. 

17. When a hospitalized patient coughs continuously and dies by shaking violently on the hospital bed. 

18. When a man suffers a gun shot injury to the tummy and is shown in the hospital with bandages on their
head and a cast on their arms and legs. 

19. When a village setting has all of the cast scantily dressed with ankara or animal skin, like NOBODY wears shirt & trouser in the village. 

20. When a village boy travels to the city ( lagos) and comes back as a rich man. I wonder why we still have poor people in lagos. 

21. When u see the cameraman’s image on the body of a shiny car, with his camera raised up and usually clad in white SINGLET and SHORT knickers.

22. When it is distributed by Zeb Ejiro, Produced by Zeb Ejiro, Written by Zeb Ejiro, Screen Play by Zeb Ejiro, Make up by Zeb Ejiro and Directed by
Zeb Ejiro. 

23. When your mother and sisters all gather in the parlour watching the tv with rapt attention and periodically turn to each other and say “this kind thing dey happen true true o ”

24. When u see an actor/actress remembering what happened in 1972 …and at the back u see vote for MUHAMMADU BUARI 2015 APC CHANGE sign board…. in 1972 .

25. To God be the glory. Watch out for part 4.