Saturday, 4 June 2016

Story Story: Imagine What My Date Did To me

Going on dates with light-skinned girls and Jollof rice sums up my biggest weaknesses as a regular young man in the 21st century. But the most weakening of all my weaknesses is going to a restaurant on a date with a lady I'm meeting for the first time. Sitting across a table facing a girl with food you can't eat comfortably placed on that table.

Being the man makes it all worse. Aside from the frustration of being the one to convince the girl to go on a date with you like "please let me spend MY MONEY on you", you have to bare the annoyance of watching her pick the grains in twos, sipping almost nothing but air when they put the cup in their mouths and their endless nags about how the food doesn't taste so well; feigning class, when you know fully well that they eat beans with their bare hands in their kitchens. And then to make it all worse you bare the burden of making the conversation all interesting else you'll be called a bore.
It doesn't get better when the girl is of an unusually high standard. Then you have to take her to a more expensive restaurant, pay a few thousands for two leaves placed side-by-side by a chunk of fish barely the size of my fist on a fancy plate and being forced to eat that with a cutlery.
So I met a fair girl. Fine chic. We had been texting and we finally decided to meet. She said she doesn't want to come to my house at the first meeting and insisted we met at a neutral location. I suggested that we should meet in neutral places like a church, even a library... Anywhere that won't require spending. She said no, that she wanted a restaurant. that she didn't eat in cheap places. Ok I agreed,That we had to meet at Carlton Restaurant, one place I'd never gone to before.... I heard it was really expensive. But section 8 subsection 2 of the American Constitution (KJV) States that if you want something, you have to do something tough to get that something. So I reluctantly agreed.
On that day I prayed that rain should fall so we can cancel, rain didn't fall. Wicked rain. It's only the day that a girl is bringing free s*x to me that it falls and hinders the arrangements. So we met at the restaurant, I waited for one hour, on one hand angry and on the other hand hoping she called that she couldn't make it- She came. 

While waiting for her I'd asked how much a plate of fried rice costs, they said N1500, so I was praying she asks for just snacks. When she came, we greeted, and she made her order - Fried rice, and chicken, and coke. Total price, 2500. They brought the food, like 126 grains of rice and 500 other particles of different colours on top. I was just boiling. Me I just ordered one coke. They brought the big one, told them I was dieting, that I needed the smaller one. They gave me, I drank, and I was satisfied. Total cost = 2570. All the money on me was 2600. 

We were talking and eating o, after like 3 minutes this girl stopped eating. She had barely taken 4 spoons out of the food, and just tasted the chicken. I thought she didn't want to rush the food, you know, the food is quite expensive so you shouldn't rush and finish 2500 naira like that. But 15 minutes later, we were still talking, she hadn't touched the food since.
"Won't you eat?", I asked her.
"I'm done." She said.
"hahahahaha     " I laughed hysterically.
Embarrassed, she asked why I was laughing.
"Sorry, my mind been cut o, I been think say you talk say you no chop again, I for fear", I said. Feeling a bit relieved.
"But that's what I said, I'm not eating again, I'm dieting", she blurted out.
Ehn??? Dieting where? On top of my laaaaaast 2600! You are Dieting! Does she want her destiny to diet and follow her? Who's this idiot forming for?? Naso I remove belt o... I transformed from Olamide Olufadi to hulk Olamz in 0.22 seconds.
"You are not DIEting anything, you will DIE-eating today". That's how people now gathered and I explained what happened to them. They understood sharp sharp.
"What kind of wickedness is that? As you know you want to diet, why didn't you just order chew gum and pure water?", one Aunty that God will bless asked her. That's how she finished the food o.  no time, i can not come and go and kill myself!!!!!!

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